Beyond the Break

Elisha sighed contentedly, holding her arms out so they could brush gently against the foliage. Suddenly holidaying by herself didn’t seem so scary after all. It felt like the best decision she had ever made.

It hadn’t been the plan. Elisha had never done anything on her own. The middle child of five, she had always been able to tag along with her older siblings, or force her little brother and sister to accompany her. Part of a big group at school, there had always been someone for Elisha to hang out with. When she met Jarvis, it felt like she would never be alone again. If they could not go somewhere together, they would not go. They were a couple.

For three years, Elisha became Elisha and Jarvis. Her own identity dissolved into their relationship, but it had never bothered her back then. It was safe, knowing there was someone right next to her. Whenever Elisha had needed Jarvis, he had been there. And she had been anything and everything Jarvis had needed her to be.

It had been a perfect life. Elisha had thought herself the luckiest girl in the world. Engaged at twenty-four, she’d had her whole life planned. They were to be married in a year. Their first child would be born before she turned twenty-eight. They had even saved a deposit for a big house in a desirable suburb. Jarvis was working his way up in his father’s law firm. Elisha was working in the same firm as a personal assistant. A job Jarvis’s father had given her so she and Jarvis could spend time with each other while Jarvis focused on building his career.

They had booked this holiday to as a getaway to plan their wedding. But all that changed two months ago.

When Jarvis confessed to cheating on her while on a work trip earlier that year, Elisha had been shocked. Yet they had a life planned. A future she desired. Throwing all that away didn’t seem sensible. The best couples solved their problems. They didn’t run away from them. But it turned out that Jarvis had plans for the future as well. They just no longer involved her.

That was when Elisha understood the true meaning of blindsided.

The path suddenly opened up. The beach was beautiful. And deserted. Stepping out on to the sand, Elisha looked all around her, sure there had to be someone else around, but she was all alone. Something twisted painfully in her chest. It was a feeling Elisha was getting used to. Over the past two months, that painful twist of her heart had accompanied nearly every realisation she had come to.

Walking into the water, Elisha was determined not to feel the chill stabbing at her limbs. She dived under a small wave, a smile spreading across her face as she emerged. Life was not so bad after all.

Falling back into the water, Elisha floated, gazing up to the sky. The powder blue colour was broken by wispy white clouds that were racing across it. It was so easy to consider the world a place of endless possibilities when it looked like this. Elisha’s heart twisted once more as she remembered all the opportunities she had let pass her by over the last three years.

It would have been so easy to put all the blame on Jarvis, but as Elisha dived back under the water, she found the courage to take responsibility for her own decisions. It had been her choice to put Jarvis before her. Her choice to consider his wants and desires more important than her own. And her decision to unnecessarily sacrifice her own career, just to tie her life to his that bit more tightly.

Jarvis had taken everything Elisha had offered him, but she now realised he had sacrificed almost nothing in return. He had never pushed her to be her best. Elisha doubted he even saw anything unusual about all she had given up for him. But in the end, it wasn’t enough. And that was what hurt Elisha the most.

Tears burned Elisha’s eyes. She pressed her tongue to the roof of her mouth to try and stop them from falling. That was the part she hated the most. She had given Jarvis everything. Her whole life had been his and yet it had not been enough. She was not enough.

Breathing in deeply helped the tears recede. Elisha had spent two full weeks crying endlessly. Then another three crying on-and-off. But out of that came strength and resolve Elisha had never known existed within her. It built slowly. Her two sisters had provided many of the tools, sharing what they had used to rebuild after their own heartbreaks.

Floating on her back again, Elisha turned her focus back to the sky and the possibilities it had encompassed just moments before. Heavy clouds were sliding into view. Elisha smiled. Grey skies would not faze her now. She had missed out on too many things by painting her life into a pretty picture, refusing to go anywhere near anything that could challenge the future that turned out to be nothing but fantasy. Now that she had survived what she had always considered was the worst thing that could ever happen to her, Elisha felt something else twist through her chest. Confidence.

A new job awaited Elisha on her return home. A job she earned on her own merits. A job that took a step back towards the career she had dreamed of before she met Jarvis. Before she gave up on her own desires. Her share of their house deposit would go towards her own, much more modest apartment. Elisha’s new picture had all the contents of the last one, but it was less shiny somehow. Disordered. But Elisha now knew that her picture wasn’t meant to be hung on the wall. It was an ever-changing work in progress that was never meant to be finished.