A dangerous love

His hand ran up my leg. I shivered, gasping as his lips moved to mine. When we were together like this, I didn’t care what anyone thought of us. We weren’t indecent or immoral. We were in love.

“Caiden, should we go to the hide-out?” asked Zamir, stroking my face.

Perhaps it was the word hide-out that stung me. It was actually the little granny flat in our backyard, but we all used it when we needed time out and so the name had been born. I just didn’t want to hide any more, but I didn’t want to get caught either.

I shook my head. “They’re out for hours. And we’ll hear them pull up.”

Zamir smiled and my heart melted.

Falling in love with that smile had terrified me. It wasn’t like falling for a girl. It’s easy asking a girl out. They think it’s a compliment and almost never get mad at you. Ask out a guy who’s not gay and you’re likely to end up in Emergency.

Zamir and I met in our second year of high school when we both chose to study German. I nearly died when Zamir sat next to me. We’d never spoken, but I’d seen him around and always thought he was cute. That of all the seats, Zamir had chosen the one next to me, was probably the best thing that had ever happened to me.

We were instant friends, and I forced myself to accept that as the most I could expect. For over a year we hung out, chatting about girls we liked, but never once did we ask one out. Then, one day, instead of talking about pretty girls, we discussed hot guys. And for another year we danced around each other, taking tentative steps to show affection for each other, before instantly pulling back, fearful of an angry backlash. But when Zamir wrapped his arms around me to congratulate me for winning an award at school, I reacted without thinking. The fear I felt when I realised I had pressed my lips to his was so severe I thought my heart would stop.

Then Zamir smiled.

The television was on. My eyes turned, distracted, but only for a moment. I was starting to appreciate my mother’s love of snuggling with my father as we laid our bodies down on the lounge, fitting easily. I rolled towards Zamir. His arms were instantly around me, pulling me closer. I tried to imagine what this moment would be like with a girl in my arms, but nothing passionate came to mind. I couldn’t count the number of times I wished I could be normal. But my love only felt like an affliction in public. When it was just me and Zamir, I didn’t want to be anyone else.

I wanted to be me, but not just in secret. I wanted everyone to know who I really was and for no one to care. We knew that was fantasy. At school, in front of our friends, Zamir and I never appeared to be anything but buddies. We still spoke about girls and made up stories of chicks we’d been with. On a few occasions we’d even dated girls, but the anger and jealousy we’d felt had threatened to tear us apart. And so we broke the hearts of girls who’d done nothing wrong but think they had a chance.

It was after a year of sneaking around that we began to contemplate telling people about us. I wanted to tell my mother, but never found the courage. Zamir chose to confide in his brother. We thought it went well. Zamir came to school the next day smiling so much he could have won the lottery. Telling his parents would be more difficult, but with his brother onside, we hoped we’d be able to see each other safely at Zamir’s house.

Reality was a painful reminder of why we’d been so scared. Zamir’s brother had not kept our relationship a secret and news soon reached his parents. They didn’t confront Zamir. They waited to catch us out. Our hands had barely taken hold of each other’s – our lips not yet me – when I was thrown away from Zamir. I resisted, but there were too many people intent on dragging me away from him for me to win. Zamir was shoved into a car and I was tossed across to the other side of the park.

The bruises and abrasions I collected were too numerous to hide. My parents had been mortified, but finally believed my story of a footy game gone bad. I couldn’t tell them the truth. I was too scared. I didn’t want to believe it, but maybe they would turn on me the way Zamir’s parents had.

I didn’t see Zamir for a week after that. I didn’t dare call him. I went to all our secret spots, but he was never there. Then, one day, Zamir turned up after school, his body covered in bruises. He’d managed to sneak out, but now had nowhere to go.

When I took Zamir home, my parents reacted exactly the way I thought they would, but still we didn’t have the courage to tell the truth. Zamir weaved a credible story of domestic disharmony based on an absolute lie, and my parents welcomed him into our home with open arms.

That was six months ago, and despite Zamir becoming one of the family, it felt like my home had become yet another place where I had to hide my true self.

“Shirt,” I gasped.

Zamir immediately complied, pulling his school shirt from his chest. His hands then assisted mine to mimic the action. Our bodied moved close again, Zamir rolling on top of me. I held his neck as I kissed him hard. Pulling away, I looked over at the clock. We could not take things further here, but if we went to his room, there might be enough time to risk it. Before I could speak, Zamir’s lips captured mine and I forgot all about moving, my hands gripping his back. The only thing that mattered was us being together.

It might have been the scream I heard first. Something that registered just before Zamir disappeared. I sat up to see my mother right in front of me. She was standing between me and Zamir, her back to me and arms out, as if she was protecting me from him. I tried to move, but she kept me back. It was then that I was reminded of the incredible strength she had.

My father walked into the room and stopped. Something flickered in his eyes. His movements were very slow and cautious. I knew what that meant. My mum had gone crazy again.

Zamir shifted, but my dad yelled at him to stay still.

“What happened?” asked my dad, only looking at my mum.

“He – Caiden – hurt – he …” My mother could barely finish her words as she gasped. I could tell she was crying, despite the fierceness of her protective stance. My father looked between me and Zamir, taking in our naked chests. “On top – he – Caiden hurt —”

My father had my mother in his arms now, trying to soothe her as she continued to babble incoherently. I’d always tried to see the best in my mother and forget that she was insane. It was so easy at times. When she wasn’t mental, she was the best mother in the world, but my family all indulged her craziness, never telling her to just be normal. I hated it. And now I hated her. Zamir wasn’t capable of hurting me, but she would say he was – just so she could keep us apart and not look like a bigot.

“Zamir, I think it’s best if you go out for a while,” said my father calmly. “We need to sort a few things out.”

“If he goes, I go,” I spat angrily.

“Both of you, wait here,” replied my father tersely, before gently leading my mother out of the room.

Neither of us moved. Zamir looked terrified. The minutes ticked slowly by. We eventually took seats, but on opposite sides of the room. No one spoke.

“What’s going on?”

I looked up to see my sister stepping cautiously into the room.

“Mum flipped. Again,” I muttered darkly.

Tracey’s face changed in an instant. She looked between me and Zamir and I realised we were both still topless.

“What happened?” asked Tracey, her voice full of fear, but I knew it was for my mother, not me.

“Your mum caught us kissing,” answered Zamir, when I stayed stubbornly silent. “She kept saying I was hurting him, but I wasn’t. I swear.”

“Shit, Caid! I told you. I warned you not to let Mum find out like that. She okay?”

I refused to speak, and this time Zamir could not provide the answer. Tracey threw me a dark look and stormed out of the room. My father returned a few minutes later looking as worn as he always did when he had to deal with my mother’s meltdowns. It made me wonder, once again, why he stayed with her.

“Zamir, I’m very sorry that you’ve been caught in the middle of this, but I’m going to have to ask you not to stay here until we’ve got this situation under control.”

Zamir started to nod, but I was already on my feet, standing in front of him. “You can’t break us up. If you kick him out, then I’m leaving too. I don’t care. We don’t need you.”

Tracey walked back in, car keys in her hand.

“Uncle Brett has agreed to let Zamir stay with him,” replied my father, his voice impeccably calm.

“It’s okay. I can go,” said Zamir softly.

Tracey nodded and led him out. When I tried to follow, my father blocked my way.

“You’re not leaving,” said my father, speaking much more forcefully.

“Why not? You’re just going to disown me anyway. Can’t be what you want, so you’ll just disown me!”

Pain flickered in my father’s eyes, but worse than that, he was looking at me like I was a true disappointment.

“My parents disowned me because of who I loved,” replied my father in a gravelly voice. “Your mother almost died bringing you into the world. Every decision we’ve made has been for the benefit of you and Tracey.” He turned away for a moment. “I’ll let you say goodbye to Zamir. Your mum wants to see you. To talk. Don’t disappoint me.”

“Dad, does Uncle Brett know?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“He won’t – I mean, I know, but – he’ll be okay there, right?”

“Your uncle’s a police officer. He doesn’t beat kids up because of their sexuality.”

“What about you?” I asked hesitantly, hating that I wasn’t certain of the answer.

“Caiden, you’re my son,” gasped my father, grasping my cheek in one hand and shoulder in the other. “I could never – I guess that story about you being hurt at school was just a cover for someone who would – but I could never do that. If you’d told us the truth then, your mum would’ve reacted just the way you wanted her to.”

“Really?” I asked, not believing.

“You’re our son and we love you as much now as we did a few hours ago.”

“Then why’d she do that? Why’d she act like that?” I cried, unconvinced her reaction had nothing to do with my sexuality.

“Because she loves you.”

“You don’t do that if you love someone. She’s crazy, Dad. It’s not fair. Why can’t she just be normal? We always have to make sure we tell her stuff just the right way. We don’t and she loses it. I don’t want to deal with it no more.”

“Either does she,” replied my father in that tone he only ever used when he spoke about my mother.

“She never wanted you and Tracey to know what she went through in her life, but that was probably never going to be possible. You found out things – the bad things people have said about her – and she never countered them. But you don’t know what the world’s done to her.”

“But what’s that got to do with me? Why’s that mean she goes psycho at Zamir? She’s always said she wanted me to find someone to fall in love with.”

My dad smiled. There was so much sympathy in it. “Because she’s spent her life teaching you how to be a good partner to a woman. It’s completely different to how she tried to prepare Tracey for relationships.”

“Yeah, that worked well,” I muttered darkly.

“Exactly!” cried my dad. “Your mum thinks she’s failed Tracey and is terrified because she’s never even tried to prepare you. For so much of her life, men abused and tortured your mother. She saw Zamir on top of you and panicked.”

“He wasn’t hurting me!”

“And she knows that now. That’s why she wants to talk to you,” replied my father, staying frustratingly calm. I crossed my arms and turned away. “What do you want from us?”

“To accept me – love me – for who I am!” I cried desperately.

“Then maybe you have you have to start by accepting your mother for who she is.”

My father walked away, leaving me alone. I didn’t move until I heard from Zamir and he convinced me things were fine at my uncle’s house. Even then I only made it as far as my room. It wasn’t until my sister came home that I considered going to see my mother.

“Caid, everything you want is waiting for you,” said Tracey passionately. “If she can forgive me for being such a brat over the last year, then there’s no way she can hate you.”

“If you’re so confident then how come you told Dad about being pregnant first? How come you haven’t told Mum yet?” I retorted.

“Because I know how she’ll react and I wanted to wait until I can be as happy about it as she will be,” answered Tracey. “And I always knew Mum was going to forgive me. It was Dad I really disappointed. Rejecting Mum. Running off to live with Lucy. You don’t know how lucky you are that she’s your real mum. I’d give anything for Lucy not to be my mum.”

“You used to hate how crazy she was too.”

“Yeah, until I realised what a brat I was. Talk to Dad. He’ll tell you some of the stuff Mum went through. It’s bad, Caid. Real bad. You’d be crazy too if it happened to you. I mean, look at you. You get beaten up once and you’re suddenly scared of everyone.”

I couldn’t react. I wanted to believe Tracey. My dad. But I was so scared my whole life was going to collapse, and it was a lie that I didn’t need them or my mum.

“I’ll come with you,” offered Tracey. “And if it gets too much I’ll even tell Mum I’m pregnant. She’ll need some good news.”

I finally nodded. My parents were in the lounge room now. I could hear my mother talking. She was frantic. It took me a while to realise that she was speaking to Uncle Brett. I made Tracey stop and waited out of sight.

“It’s under control, Lex,” said Uncle Brett. “We’ve set up a bed in the office. You know we all have spare beds in all our houses. It’s fine. No one will hurt Zamir.”

“But did you check him? I might have hurt him. And he won’t know – he’ll think we – Brett, it wasn’t because …”

“He knows. I’ve already had a chat with him. And he’s fine staying here for now. Longer if necessary. He can stay with us as long as he needs.”

“Oh, Brett, thank you. Caiden’s so mad at me and he’ll be angry if I say it’s better Zamir lives with you, but they’re so young. I don’t want – I know they’re not allowed to get married, but that might change one day and if they live together now – so young – I just —”

“And Caiden’s flipping out about you not accepting him,” laughed Uncle Brett. “You practically have their wedding planned. We thought the same thing. That’s why I’m happy for him to stay. Just go work things out with Caiden. I got this side. Okay, sis?”

Tracey was nudging me to make me moved, but my feet were still glued to the floor. When she managed to push me through the door I saw my mother crying in my father’s arms. My father’s words came back to me and I suddenly felt like the worst kid in the world. He was right. How could I demand to be accepted for who I was when I was refusing to do that myself?

Rushing forward, I hugged my mother tight as she held me fiercely, apologising over and over. I let her, then asked her to forgive me. She responded by giving me more love than I deserved and blaming herself for everything. When I turned to my father, I received the response I did deserve: unconditional love and acceptance, with a side of disappointment. But I knew I could earn back his respect and be the man he expected me to be. With the man I loved by my side.